Pecos Bill, a Tall Tale

Times were tough even for tall-tale heroes. The sun baked the land and dried the rivers. Fish and turtles flopped half-cooked on the burning sands where the rivers once flowed. Pecos Bill would have done something about this mess, but he was busy taking care of his sweetheart Sue. She was sick in bed with complications from syphilis. But drought or no drought, Bill was hungry. In fact, his stomach rumbled so loudly Sue thought a thunderstorm was coming.

So old Bill rushed off to the kitchen to make Texas-sized steaks for two. He tossed the steaks in a pan. Then he grabbed one of Sue’s prize-winning onions. He began to slice it. But in no time, that onion had Bill’s eyes watering so bad that he couldn’t see. Soon tears ran down his shirt and spilled on the floor. Then Sue’s eyes began watering, and together their tears filled up the house.

Well, faster than a jackrabbit can hop a tumbleweed, the water from their eyes burst open the door and out rushed a flood of oniony tears. The tide washed over the land and even filled the river back up. But the flood also swept Bill several miles down the valley. The flood eventually ran its course and dumped Bill's soggy ass in the middle of nowhere. He tried to hitchhike, but no one would pick him up. So Bill swore and cussed, and he walked his sorry butt home. When he got there, Sue was hobbling around on the porch. She saw Bill coming and yelled, “Hey, Bill, I’m hungry. When are those steaks gonna' to be ready, you worthless bastard?”