Stupid Poem

Joe is a donut all covered in icing
He rolls down the hallway to see what’s happening
He screams for sprinkles and chopped nuts too
People run scared ‘cause they don’t know what to do

Joe is a donut all covered in icing
But the bushy beard don’t look so enticing
You ever see a donut with two left shoes?
When he comes a rollin’ you know it’s bad news

Joe is a donut all covered in icing
He thinks the Bad Girls are so exciting
But they’re just amateurs he must know this
Especially Olive, she such a priss

Woman Talks to Friend, And Amazingly Does Not Reveal Details to Anyone

Wednesday June 20, 2007 12:10 PM
By Alex Culpepper/Correspondent

Dayton, Ohio (AP)— For many women like Miss Clarabelle Crabapple and her associates, it is a common practice to quickly reveal to another person the details from any conversation that she may overhear or be party to. In fact, she claims, “I just have to tell someone everything that I hear from someone else or I’ll just die!” Any statement from any conversation surely will be repeated again to a friend or acquaintance.

But at 8:00 P.M. Tuesday night, Constance Bicklebaum, 32, actually heard many details about what one person said about another person and then kept many of those details to herself. That’s right, some of the information from the conversation was not repeated to anyone else!

When pressed on the subject, Ms. Bicklebaum said, “I really, didn’t think it was worth repeating. I mean, do we need to tell everyone what we hear from a conversation?”

Miss Crabapple, of course, feels differently, “So like, I tell everyone all the details from all my conversations. I can’t help it—it’s like, it just like comes out. I need to like tell everyone what I hear. I need to.”

For many in this city, Constance is somewhat of a curiosity if not a genuine celebrity. She reveals that she has received many letters of support and feels that people have been generally understanding. She admits that at times, late at night, she does feel like revealing the information that she heard, but said that, “It’s really not a big deal. I can’t just walk around as though what I have to say is so important.”

Mint

This may be the first poem I ever wrote. It's only about seven years old. I scratched it out to be a silly bit of fun, but it's actually not too bad.

I will always remember that mint
It was a good mint.
It was sweet and the flavor lasted
for about eight minutes.
Then I stuck it on my keyboard
To save it for later, you know—
But it was red and purple
from the bloodstains
That it got from brushing
against my rotting gums.

I'm Bored too, John Berryman

Resources? I have no resources
No inner resources, that is
All I have is a briny soup of
Parody, lipids, and broken glass
that sits congealing with
glistening pools of oil
in a pot atop a stove
on a low burner that
smells like charred eggs

Pecos Bill, a Tall Tale

Times were tough even for tall-tale heroes. The sun baked the land and dried the rivers. Fish and turtles flopped half-cooked on the burning sands where the rivers once flowed. Pecos Bill would have done something about this mess, but he was busy taking care of his sweetheart Sue. She was sick in bed with complications from syphilis. But drought or no drought, Bill was hungry. In fact, his stomach rumbled so loudly Sue thought a thunderstorm was coming.

So old Bill rushed off to the kitchen to make Texas-sized steaks for two. He tossed the steaks in a pan. Then he grabbed one of Sue’s prize-winning onions. He began to slice it. But in no time, that onion had Bill’s eyes watering so bad that he couldn’t see. Soon tears ran down his shirt and spilled on the floor. Then Sue’s eyes began watering, and together their tears filled up the house.

Well, faster than a jackrabbit can hop a tumbleweed, the water from their eyes burst open the door and out rushed a flood of oniony tears. The tide washed over the land and even filled the river back up. But the flood also swept Bill several miles down the valley. The flood eventually ran its course and dumped Bill's soggy ass in the middle of nowhere. He tried to hitchhike, but no one would pick him up. So Bill swore and cussed, and he walked his sorry butt home. When he got there, Sue was hobbling around on the porch. She saw Bill coming and yelled, “Hey, Bill, I’m hungry. When are those steaks gonna' to be ready, you worthless bastard?”

Ennui Attacks, Bad Girls Defend Selves

Monday June 4, 2007 2:10 PM
By Alex Culpepper/Correspondent


Dayton, Ohio (AP)— An all out assault on the crushing boredom was the order of the day. An onslaught of weariness and apathy had sought to shackle the “Bad Girls” with its own insidious brand of terror. Four Ohio women, known by many as the “Bad Girls,” were the victims of a sudden attack of ennui. With little to defend themselves and even less time to react, they sought diversion and solace from whatever they could muster.

“It really came from nowhere,” said Jessica Gibson-James, spokesperson for the Bad Girls. “I mean, I guess I wasn’t paying attention. But I’m not sure why this would happen to us—so I just ate some candy and looked for someone to kick.” She replied.

Fellow Bad Girl Katie Baumgardner said that she was angry. “How dare this happen to me! This is so . . . so ‘un.’ This world is going to (expletive)! Anyway, I put on some lip gloss and sent some emails. Then I made a list of my favorite colors.”

Officials on the scene were unable to give many details. Witnesses were scarce, and the incident is under investigation.

Another Bad Girl, Caitlin Closser, spoke candidly. “I don’t know. I guess I’ll just practice counting to 20 again. I’m getting better, I really am.”

No one knows for sure what will happen next, but one thing is certain for Bad Girl Linda Turk, “It makes me realize that wearing great shoes doesn’t always solve my problems.”